Today, I was on the phone with my mom-she’s writing a book. She read me some of it, I couldn’t actually take it seriously, because whenever my mom reads out loud, it reminds me of childhood. So all I heard was “See spot run” even though that’s not anything close to what she said. Before my mom was writing said book, she was studying to be a naturopathic doctor…but she’s over that. I think my mom’s finding herself.
I’m making a movie. A short film actually. I’m souped. I’m drained. I’m putting HELLA money into it. That’s when I knew I was serious, but I’d rather invest in my own dreams, than perpetuate someone else’s. I look at the people around me and it’s so uninspiring. They’ve accepted complacency. Granted being an artist is hella difficult (I’ve started saying hella, but I think I’m about 3 years late, but I can’t seem to stop). I don’t want to be like normal people you know? So I work, I stay up late at night, I go out and party but even if I’m hungover I sit down and I write, or sneak into the ____library if I’m in the city, and send emails at 2 in the morning, or make excel spreadsheets ( and I hate excel) because I’m too afraid. Afraid of not making art, afraid of being regular, afraid of closing my third eye.
But this short film is quite intense, it also shows who’ll be there when you need them, and who’ll be there only when the rest of the world notices you. It’s a beautiful thing though. I’ve started saving emails and screen shotting text messages, and I put them in a certain folder, so I could remember. Remember how people treated me when I was the underdog, when I couldn’t pay them, when all I had was a script, technique, and drive.
On another note, I’ve started dancing again last week. My boss (I have a job… like a real one) said I could come to work after ballet. I kinda teared up when she said I could go to Ailey, then come to work. There’s no way that happens in corporate America. But back to dancing, I don’t know if I really want to do it that much anymore…
I’m in the process of rewriting and editing my play OUTCRY, which is incredibly difficult because sometimes I have to THINK SO MUCH, it just makes my fingers spazz. Like I’m supposed to be working on it now… But when it goes up again, it’s gonna be crazy, I’m being pushed and challenged to make it better, and honestly I’m grateful that others have taken a vested interest in producing my work.
I wonder if anyone is going to see this post? Sometimes I feel like I’m being twatched, or like ghost watched.
I called my grandmother today. She said “but l say yuh forget mih!”
Anyway, I wonder what this summer is going to be like? For the first time, I’m not just frolicking and traveling or having fun all the time. But I don’t want to either…I want to feel like I earned it, and I haven’t yet.
Idk if I’ll actually post this…like who besides me even reads anymore? Well I guess my mom since she’s writing a “see spot run” book.
Just kidding. Maybe you’ll read it.